Awkward Utopia

PART I of II or III.

I’m Eric, a past UES president. I’ve never posted here before, and the two people who might read this likely know nothing about me. Today I am writing about NASA (National Association of Space Administrators, aka ‘The people who brought you the Challenger and other fine products’).

I am required by law to print the Eric Breitenstein Sense of Humor Legal Disclaimer: “Eric Breitenstein’s sense of humor is hopelessly sarcastic and offensive. Had he actually been a passenger, it is likely that Mr. Breitenstein would have died during the voyage of the Titanic because the other passengers would have thrown him overboard long before the ship hit the iceberg. Maybe even before the ship left port. For your safety you should not take anything Mr. Breitenstein says or writes seriously. If you experience sudden decompression due to a statement by Mr. Breitenstein, an oxygen mask will drop from the ceiling. As you gasp for air, calmly place the mask over your nose and mouth, tie the eight straps securely, and begin solving complex partial differential equations. Your seat cushion can be used as a suffocation device, if it comes to that.”

Stupid lawsuit. Moving on. I have my MA in economics from the University of Chicago, and my BA in philosophy from UF. Hence I am qualified to offer my opinion about any subject.

Recently, climatologists announced that Al Gore invented weather. Al Gore announced his discovery of “GLOBAL WARMING.” He bequeathed this discovery unto the world in his award winning documentary, “A Convenient Documentary.” There are some facts in Al’s movie. For example, one fact is that Al Gore is in the movie.

You may be wondering how NASA, Al, and “GLOBAL WARMING!!!” are related. After five seconds of intense thought I have made up an answer. Al Gore was built by NASA to attend budget hearings by Congress on why NASA should get a dime. Gore is NASA’s Greenspan. Regardless of how the economy was doing, Greenspan could ramble incoherently for hours until anyone listening had either shot himself or admit the economy was fine.

Since NASA is the blackhole of federal spending, Gore could be used to confuse Congress into thinking that NASA actually accomplished things, and that it always needed more money. This worked until Reagan became president. Because he was retarded, Reagan was immune to the Gore effect. Al’s programming malfunctioned. NASA feared the whole thing would blow up in their face, so in 1986 they launched the space shuttle Challenger with the intention of having Gore on it.

We all know the sad story that actually unfolded: Instead of Gore, NASA put a woman on board to have the honor of being the first school teacher blown up by the federal government. Also on board were Bambi, innocent babies, a schoolbus of children, and the most loveable kittens in the universe.
[On a serious note, my high school physics teacher was second in line, in case McAuliffe couldn't go. I was in elementary school in 1986; we went outside to watch the launch. I did not see the explosion; many others did. All I remember clearly is the crying. I will now go back to being an obnoxious liar.]

NASA retooled Gore and erased his memory. They did leave his dull personality and intelligence. This allowed him to invent the internet and the weather. Hence Al was able to discover GLOBAL WARMING!!! and convince everyone that people who disagreed with him in the slightest way were akin to those who deny the Holocaust.

In PART II our story takes an investigative twist. We all know Gore’s “Carbon Footprint” is the size of Utah. But what about NASA? It must take lots of fuel to blast things into space. Plus the energy required to manufacture, ship, and assemble must also be considered. NASA is happy to jump on the OMFG GLOBAL WARMING!!!!!!!!!!! bandwagon, hoping to gain some climatological credibility from actors, who are respected authorities on climatology (WHY? Because they know everything about everything, unlike you, who is a mere college or graduate school graduate.).

Part II puts NASA under the PRIC microscope. Goodbye from the 7th Circle of Hell.

Note: All incorrectly spelled words and grammatical errors are the sole responsibility of the Microsoft Corporation, and perhaps even Bill Gates himself.